In this post I discuss my experience with chronic anxiety and paranoia after the birth of my son which I now know was postnatal depression. I talk about my experiences with overcoming postnatal depression and the steps I took to feel better.
When I found out I was pregnant, I felt a mixture of emotions. I was happy and excited, but that also came with a mountain of worries. I knew that it would be tough at times, but I didn’t expect to feel the way I did after the birth. The overwhelming thoughts of anxiety, paranoia and guilt.
I had never been someone who felt very maternal. Never cooing at babies in the street (unlike some of my friends), and was never particularly drawn to children. Before my son was born I can only remember one time where I had even held a baby. I had zero experience with looking after one.
As I got closer to 40 I wondered what my life would be like if I didn’t have kids. I wanted to experience what it was like to be pregnant and bring up a child of my own.
But I had concluded that it probably wouldn’t happen and had persuaded myself that a childless life could be just as rewarding. I could go on holiday whenever I wanted and travel the World. Up until I had a child I lived a very selfish life. I lived in a party town and I would go out every weekend, with no real responsibility.
Anxiety in pregnancy
My pregnancy was easy – no sickness and I felt well throughout. I was petrified of childbirth but saw it as a necessary ‘evil’ that I would have to go through.
I did, however, feel anxious throughout the pregnancy. Constantly worried that something would go wrong, or that there would be something wrong with the baby. I can remember being obsessed with looking up articles on Google, which is definitely something I would advise against!
I was paranoid about being an older mum, that there was more chance of something going wrong. The hospital informed that there was a higher chance of Down’s Syndrome, Edwards’ Syndrome, or Patau’s Syndrome. This resulting in me obsessing over the score I got from the combined test and I would pour over the scan photos.
I was informed that I would need to be induced if my son went overdue his birth date by 2 weeks. I had no idea what that meant, but after 14 days of no show, I went to the hospital.
After being induced I was kept there for an hour and then able to go home and told to call once the contractions started.
The start of labour
After a few hours, I started to feel what felt like stomach cramps, but I was unsure if these were contractions. It definitely wasn’t how I expected. I was told that there are different stages to labour. The first would gentle and the contractions would be far apart. ‘I could drink tea and have a bath whilst this was going on!’ The second stage would be more intense which was when I would need to get to the hospital.
There was no gentle, first stage for me. The contractions came hard and fast. Eventually, I felt a ‘pop’ and my waters broke. My other half sped down the motorway to the hospital, whilst I screamed holding onto the roof of the car.
Without going into the full details of my labour (I will spare you the gruesome parts!), it was truly horrific, not at all what I had envisaged. My son was back-to-back, putting pressure on my spine, and causing me agony. I couldn’t get past 8cm dilated either so they gave me synthetic oxytocin to try and speed up the labour.
Episiotomy and forceps
My midwife was hellbent on me having a natural birth and was against a c-section. I was later informed by one of the doctors who visited me after the birth that I probably should have had one after that amount of time (approximately 36 hours). She encouraged me to push when I didn’t need to (which ended with a large dose of haemorrhoids), determined to get him out naturally. After two epidurals I finally got wheeled into surgery for an episiotomy and my son was delivered with forceps.
I had no idea what was going on at the birth, I was so out of it with drugs and painkillers. When they eventually laid my son on my chest after stitching me up I didn’t feel any emotion towards him. Possibly just relief that it was all over.
Contracting sepsis in hospital
I was informed that I had an infection and would need a course of antibiotics and would need to stay in the hospital for a few days. After reading my hospital notes I discovered that the infection was sepsis. I can honestly say I have never felt so bad in my life as I did then.
I could barely move and was in agonising pain. Struggling to get off the hospital bed and over to the toilet made it feel as though my insides were going to fall out due to the immense dragging feeling. I felt completely overwhelmed and struggled to breastfeed and look after a baby who cried through the night. I called my mum and broke down in tears. When the time came to go home I asked if I could stay an extra night as I was too scared to leave.
Bringing our baby home
The pressure of being out in the World with a brand-new baby was terrifying. My body had been put through the biggest physical challenge and I didn’t know how I would cope. I felt traumatised by what I went through leading up to the birth.
I have since been back to the same hospital for a different reason. I stayed in a room that looked exactly like the one that I stayed in for the few days after the birth, whilst I was recovering. It made me feel emotional and all the memories came flooding back from that time, some of which I thought I had forgotten.
For the first few nights, we took it in turns to look after my son through the night. Those hours alone in the dark with a newborn baby were probably the loneliest I have ever felt. When he cried, I cried. I struggled through the first few weeks, not knowing what to do – having no experience of looking after a baby. Combined with still being in significant pain.
Postnatal check-up
At my 6-week postnatal check-up with the health visitor, she ran through a set of questions to determine how I was getting on. Was I just feeling the usual ‘baby blues’ or was it something more serious? I joked that having a baby was hard and that I wasn’t sleeping well, and that the way I was feeling was down to that. I now wish that I had cried and told her that I wasn’t coping very well. That I felt completely depressed.
I dreaded going to bed as I knew I wouldn’t sleep and then dreaded the day looking after him on my own.
Depressed after giving birth
I moved to the area not long before my son was born and I felt alone and had nobody around that I knew very well. I had made a few friends through the NCT group that I went to leading up to the birth, but none of them seemed to feel the way I did and all seemed completely overjoyed with parenthood. They all seem to find it so easy. As far as I was aware, none of them were depressed after giving birth.
Before the birth I was working in London, commuting, and meeting up with friends for dinner in the evenings. All that had stopped and my days were spent walking about the streets on my own, pushing a pram around the park in the cold.
My relationship with my partner was also strained. I was resentful of the fact that he could leave and go to work. He slept in a different room most evenings so he wasn’t tired at work, which left me feeling that I was looking after our son 24 hours a day at times. I felt miserable and didn’t want to speak to him when he returned, making him equally miserable.
I felt anxious about everything. Anxious about going out with a baby that I had no idea about, which would result in me being housebound a lot of the time. I worried that I wasn’t doing the right thing. When he went to sleep I would worry about something happening to him, checking in on him.
Postnatal paranoia
I would say that the first 6 months were the most terrifying and nerve-wracking time of my life. The responsibility of looking after a newborn and the feeling that it would be my fault if something went wrong or happened to him.
My anxiety got so bad that it turned into paranoia. I would worry if someone knocked on the door. Scared that I had done something wrong – hit another car whilst parking or even worse, hit another person.
I would lie awake at night going over and over things in my head, thinking that I could go to prison for something I had done and therefore would not see my son for years. Or feel upset that something would happen to him that I was responsible for. Completely irrational I know now, but everything turned into a fear in those days.
I would constantly think that my son didn’t love me, feeling jealous if it appeared that he was happy with anyone else. Thinking that he was completely indifferent to me and that it wouldn’t matter who looked after him. I thought I should feel important to him as I was his mum, I carried him and gave birth to him. But, being a baby, I didn’t get a lot back. I beat myself up, telling myself that I wasn’t a good mum and that he could feel that I wasn’t.
Seeking advice from the doctor
Before I was pregnant I loved running, and exercise in general. Exercise had a beneficial effect on my mental health reducing anxiety and depression. I had visions pre-birth that I would be up and running not long after, escaping for half an hour each day. I was unable to run due to the pain that I still felt from the birth. When I tried to go one day I ran a few metres out of the house and then straight back after I realised that the pounding of the streets was making me leak. Incontinence was not something I had ever considered!
I went to the doctor after 6 months and said how I was feeling. I said that I felt down and that I couldn’t run, due to it being uncomfortable and due to the leaking, which I found embarrassing. The doctor prescribed antidepressants (Citalopram) and told me to start running again, even if just a short distance. The next time, run a bit further. I walked out of the room not knowing what had happened. Here I was telling her that I was depressed and all she could tell me was to run a bit further each day and see what happens.
Taking antidepressants for postnatal depression
I started to take the antidepressants and felt slightly better after a few weeks. I have written a separate post about my experience with antidepressants and how they have helped me in the past. They were a main factor in overcoming postnatal depression and the anxiety that went with it.
They helped me with the anxious thoughts and paranoia, but they didn’t stop the loneliness I still felt and the feeling of hopelessness.
Going to see a counsellor
I have always been an anxious person but looking back it was more than just anxiety, I was depressed. I booked myself in to see a counsellor who I chose as she had experience in postpartum issues amongst other things. I initially found it useful to talk to a stranger and to open up about my experience, but it still didn’t take away the way I felt.
Returning to work after maternity leave
After a year of maternity leave, I went back to work. I was petrified of going back to work and I didn’t want someone else to be looking after my child, but it was probably the best thing I could have done. I felt more like myself again. Being a mum is all-consuming and I found it hard to think about anything else. Going back to work made me feel like I had another purpose.
Factors that increase the risk of developing postnatal depression
Postnatal depression can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender, ethnicity or background. However, some factors may increase your risk of developing it, such as:
- Having a history of depression or other mental health problems
- Having a family history of depression or other mental health problems
- Having a difficult or traumatic birth
- Having a premature or sick baby
- Having a baby with special needs or disabilities
- Having twins or multiple births
- Having little or no support from your partner, family or friends
- Having relationship problems or domestic violence
- Having financial problems or housing issues
- Having stressful events during pregnancy or after birth
- Having unrealistic expectations of yourself or your baby
- Having low self-esteem or confidence
These factors do not cause postnatal depression, but they may make you more vulnerable to it. If you have any of these risk factors, it’s important to talk to your GP, midwife or health visitor about how you’re feeling and what support you may need. I wish that I had been more open with my health visitor at my 6-week check-up, and I wish I had gone to the doctor earlier than I did.
For me having a traumatic birth, a history of anxiety and depression, and the lack of support from family and friends all contributed to how I felt.
Exercise for overcoming postnatal depression
Getting back out and exercising again, particularly running, has been hugely beneficial.
It took a long time, mainly because I felt a lot of pain after the birth and also due to bladder issues.
I sought help from the doctors after I decided enough was enough. I was fed up with feeling paranoid and having to run with a pad in my underwear. Running had always been a passion of mine and I wasn’t enjoying it.
I thought they would brush me off and say that it was common once women had given birth. That I had to just put up with it. After listening to how much it was affecting my life, how it had been stopping me from running (something I got a lot of joy out of and made difference to my anxiety) the doctor took what I said seriously.
Botox for incontinence after childbirth
The doctor referred me for some tests (one of which was doing star jumps in a backless hospital gown whilst my bladder was full – you can probably guess the result!). It was agreed that the advised pelvic floor exercises (Kegel exercises), wouldn’t make any difference as the nerve endings were damaged after the birth.
I made the decision to go ahead with a Botox injection in my overactive bladder. This was performed under general anaesthetic in the hospital. A narrow telescope is inserted – this is called a cystoscopy – and then Botox is then injected through a special needle into areas around the bladder.
The procedure has made a huge difference – I can honestly say life-changing.
It doesn’t work for everyone and in some cases it can cause complications (all of which I was advised beforehand), but I am so glad I got help. I no longer have to worry and can exercise any time I want. I can even join my son on a trampoline! That was a definite no-go beforehand.
Overcoming postnatal depression
I love my son more than anything in the World, He’s the funniest, cutest little boy you could meet and I am so proud to be his mum.
That being said, the experience I had with childbirth and the anxiety and paranoia I felt afterward made me realise that I couldn’t go through it again. It was a tough and lonely time.
I do feel sad though that I will never get to experience a good birth or enjoy what should be a happy, bonding time with your baby.
It took me a long time for the feelings of hopelessness and fear to subside and I still feel anxious at times when I go to a new place with my son or I have a particularly tough ‘phase’ with him, but it has got much easier due to a mixture of things: medication, experience, support and time.
Support groups for postnatal depression
These are groups of people who have experienced or are experiencing postnatal depression. They can offer you a safe space to share your feelings, experiences and tips with others who understand what you’re going through. You can find local support groups through your GP, health visitor, local children’s centre or online.
Online resources
There are many websites and apps that can provide you with information, advice and support for PND. Some of them are:
- NHS (https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/overview/) – provides an overview of PND, its symptoms, causes, treatments and where to get help.
- Mind (https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/) – provides information and support for PND and other perinatal mental health problems.
- PANDAS Foundation(https://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/) – provides support and advice for anyone affected by PND and other perinatal mental health problems.
- APNI (https://apni.org/) – provides information and support for anyone affected by PND.
- Baby Buddy app (https://www.bestbeginnings.org.uk/baby-buddy) – provides information, videos and tips for new parents from pregnancy to six months after birth.
Talking to people is an important step to feeling better. Finding friends or a group who have been through a similar experience can be beneficial.
If you are suffering from negative, overwhelming thoughts or anxiety after giving birth, remember that you are not alone and that postnatal depression is treatable. With the right help and support, you can recover and enjoy being a parent.
